i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
