i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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