It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
