Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
