Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
