Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
