I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
