Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
