I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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