Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
