I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
