mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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