You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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