So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
