I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
