tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
