Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
