He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
