I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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