I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
