How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
