worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
