Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
