DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is wine microwaveable?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize