why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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