In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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