I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
