Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
