the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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