I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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