If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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