I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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