Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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