I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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