you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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