I only kidnapped one of them. chill
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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