u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
