i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
