Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
