Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
