yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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