So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm at about main and main street
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize