If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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