ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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