I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
