yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
