how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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