So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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