Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
