I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
