I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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