there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
