I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you had me at cake vodka
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
