How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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