I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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