I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Iām a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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