I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
