the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
