dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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