the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
