I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
