I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The Olympian is in my bed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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