My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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