At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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